I wish it wasn't so hard to confront my own racism
But then it probably wouldn't stick. Also, yes, I know my whiteness is showing.
I keep having this thought: “I wish it was easier to do this work of facing down my own racism and white privilege.” And yes, I do see the white privilege embedded in that statement. It’s ugly, isn’t it?
Because I’m white, my life has been so easy compared to most people. I really couldn’t see that before. As a white woman, I was taught to focus on how hard my life is, how much the struggle holds me back, how much power men have over me, waa waa WAAAAH! (Who took my pacifier? I need it back!) So all I saw was the hard stuff.
In fact, as an entrepreneur, I’ve been taught to tell everybody about my relentless struggles so that they can relate to me, connect with me, and want to hire me. All in the name of what has been, at least on my part (ugh), partly performative vulnerability and authenticity.
It’s really all bullshit, but there it is.
So. The way this is showing up now is that I want this work, the work of decolonizing my own brain and life, to be easy, too. Or at least easier than it is. Because as a white woman, haven’t I worked haaaaard enough all my life to fight my way up the ladder anyway?! (I know, gag. But I’m here to tell the truth, even when it’s this cringey.)
I told you I was here to be real. If this seems horribly naive to you, well, I warned you that would come up here too.
Because of my own fascination with behavioral science, I also know that the only way real change sticks around in the long run is if it’s HARD. If we have to fight for change, the very process of struggling activates something in our brains and we will NEVER give up that thing we fought for.
But each of us has to do the struggling work personally. There is a lot of value in collective or community struggle too (I’m not saying to do this work alone, please don’t hear that), but when we’re insulated or protected from the individual struggle, we just don’t value it. It doesn’t work its way into our souls.
(FYI, this is one of the problems with hover parenting, which I know is also a hallmark of whiteness. The more we coddle, protect and insulate our kids, the fewer strong values and meaningful coping skills they have. They end up having zero skills to manage their own lives and continue the struggles we’ve fought for. Ouch.)
And, there it is. If this work of confronting my own internalized racism was easier, it would be worthless. There would be no lasting change for me and I could never have any hope to influence the people around me to change.
I’ll keep showing up to do the work, even though now I’ve got a better idea of just how hard it’s going to be. It will probably get harder as I go along, too. I’ll keep showing up anyway.
So, in the name of accepting how hard this has to be, I’m taking action to reinforce the learning. And you can, too, by joining the anti-racism movement to end gun violence in America. It’s called Here4TheKids (here) and it kicks off in Denver on June 5th, 2023.
In it for the long haul,
Kay