Everything about confronting my own racism and internalized white supremacy is turning out to be hard. I know that sounds like I’m complaining, but I’m really not. It’s OK that it’s hard. If that’s what it takes to spit out this poison spoon of racism I’ve been sipping from all my life, well, I’m up for it.
But the fact that I’ve done so much harm? That’s what I’m struggling the most with right now.
It’s not just that I’ve personally caused so much harm to Black and Brown people. And many of these were people I supposedly cared about, though some were people I only knew casually or in passing.
No, I’m learning my harm has gone so far beyond merely people who don’t have my skin color. My biases and the stereotypes I’ve bought into - and the actions I’ve taken (or failed to take) as a result - have harmed everybody. Every. Body. Period.
By leaning into my whiteness and privilege for my entire life, the people I have harmed in America are: LGBTQ+, people of all religions and ethnicities, people of all economic and education backgrounds, disabled people, unmarried people, and even cis-gendered, heterosexual, married white people like me.
This means that the person I’ve caused the most harm to is myself. Because while I’m an individual, I’m also part of the collective human race. When I harm others, I harm myself, too.
I don’t have an excuse for my behavior. But my reason is that I was simply doing what I was taught and encouraged to do. That’s the most tragic piece of all of this.
I’m not here to get sympathy. I welcome your compassion and even empathy, but don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t want that and it won’t help me.
And I want you to know I’m not trying to bear this in isolation. Trust me, I’m getting the help I need.
Yet the knowledge that I’ve done so much harm is heavy. It’s the heaviest feeling I’ve ever tried to process.
What my soul craves now is healing.
Unfortunately, until now, healing has not been a part of my tradition or heritage. I know I’m not the only one, because I’ve met a fuckton of white people who don’t know how to heal either. Hell, we don’t even know that we’re missing this critical piece of ourselves!
So, I’m taking action to heal myself. I’m sure that I’m going to talk a lot more about that here in this blog over time. And that action will change over time.
For now, though, I’m taking healing action by pouring every ounce of myself into the Here 4 The Kids movement (here). And I’m begging you to please support this movement to save our kids by banning guns in the U.S. The movement is being led by Black & Brown women, and staffed by white women. We are 100% volunteers. I have the great honor of serving on the task force and learning from the Black & Brown women who know how to make this work. This call to action is urgent, because we are preparing to gather peacefully in Denver on June 5, 2023 to demand action. Please join me there.
I’m here for the healing my soul needs,
Kay